What to do if your partners love language is physical touch but yours isn t?

It’s a human instinct to love and want to be loved in return. When we’re fully in tune with our partner’s emotional needs, and vice versa, we can feel solid in our romantic connection. According to matchmaker and dating coach Thalia Ouimet, if both partners in a relationship express their love with encouraging words or thoughtful gifts, for example, feeling loved and appreciated is simple. What happens, though, when the ways in which we show or receive affection differ from those of a partner? Sometimes, these differences can create conflict in a relationship dynamic, which is why understanding a person’s love language is key.

Created by author and minister Gary Chapman, the five love languages — words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, receiving gifts, and physical touch — help us better understand how to love the people in our lives, especially our partners. Communication is the most crucial element in any relationship, and that’s still the case when it comes to love language compatibility. While it’s possible for you and your partner to have the same love language, it’s more likely to find someone with a love language that complements yours.

If you’re curious about whether you and your partner’s love languages work well together, keep reading to find out what means if you have different love languages and see some of the most complementary pairings.

Are You Most Compatible With People With Similar Love Languages?

When you and your partner both receive love via physical touch, for example, it’s easier to anticipate your partner’s needs since they’re similar to yours. Giving them a massage or holding hands while you’re out together might be a great way for both of you to feel connected and appreciated.

“The most compatible love languages are when they are identical,” Ouimet says. “Having the same love language as your partner will only make the relationship stronger.” However, she also explains that this is a rare occurrence. “Never assume that your partner has the same love language [as you]. In fact, the odds are that your partner won’t have the same love language, so it’s important to discuss how you show and receive love.”

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But having different love languages doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker. “Most of the time our love language was taught to us from our childhood experiences,” Ouimet says. “How our parents showed their love towards us is how we know to give/receive love.” Since we all have different life experiences, learning to communicate, no matter the difference, is crucial to a healthy and loving relationship.

If Your Love Languages Are: Words Of Affirmation And Quality Time

Words of affirmation and quality time can be one of the more complementary pairings. When one partner feels most loved by spending intentional and intimate time with the other, there’s plenty of room left for in-depth conversations. This is an ideal time for each partner to exchange those words of affirmation so that both love languages are honored. According to Ouimet, this couple is compatible because each partner “will feel secure and appreciated for their efforts.”

She also advises those in this pairing “to have an open conversation about how they receive love differently, and to make an effort to love their partner the way they want to be loved.”

If Your Love Languages Are: Acts Of Service And Receiving Gifts

A partnership with these two love languages has the potential to thrive since both will feel appreciated by the exchange of gifts or a partner helping them. “This pair can work well together,” Ouimet says. “For example, if your partner noticed that you ran out of almond milk and your morning routine is to make your latte with almond milk, [if] your partner’s love language is acts of service, then running to the store and buying that item for you can also be classified as a surprise gift.”

Just as doing something nice for your partner can also involve gift-giving, buying your partner something functional can be seen as an act of service, too. Finding creative ways to honor each of these love languages can create a stronger bond and sense of appreciation between you and your partner.

If Your Love Languages Are: Physical Touch And Quality Time

For a lot of couples, this pairing creates a harmonious exchange of affection. Spending quality time with a partner can often lead to physical touch or physical intimacy, which fulfills both partners’ needs.

“This match could work well together if, [for example], you spend time with your partner watching a movie cuddled up on the couch … one partner gets to have the quality time they need and the other gets the physical touch cuddling while watching the movie,” Ouimet says.

If you and your partner are also sexually involved, spending time cuddling and having intentional conversations before or post-sex can be a great way to express both of these love languages. Taking advantage of the physical connection that intimacy provides can easily lead to emotional closeness when you’re both staying in the present moment.

Expert:

Thalia Ouimet, matchmaker and dating coach

Not everyone speaks the same language when it comes to love. According to The Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman, there are actually five love languages. Those five “languages” are: Words Of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts Of Service, and Physical Touch. What this means is that how we display our love to our partner and how we receive their displays of love to us might be totally different. So different, in fact, that it can create tension.

As someone who was in a relationship with a person who spoke a different love language than me, I know how difficult it can be. While he was more inclined to show his love through physical touch (all he wanted to do was cuddle!) and quality time (all he wanted to do was be inseparable!), I was more about Words Of Affirmation and Acts Of Service — and, naturally, not above receiving gifts. So there I’d be telling him how awesome and talented he was as a way to show my love and he’d be trying to pin me down to cuddle for the next week and a half to show me his love. (Does anyone need to cuddle for a whole week and a half?)

But just because you and your partner speak different love languages, doesn’t mean all bets are off when it comes to being in an awesome relationship. Here’s how to cope if there’s something being lost in translation.

1. Know That Not Every Couple Speaks The Same Love Language

Although you may be with someone who speaks the exact same love language as you, the same can’t be said for all couples. How we express and receive love is based on our past, our present, and our personalities. If you came from a family where love was expressed physically, then there’s a good chance that might be your love language with your partner. If they didn’t come from such a background, their idea of displaying love could be spending time together, even if that time is spent watching movie marathons on the couch for hours and hours.

2. Establish What Your Love Language Is

Since there’s five love languages, it’s probably a good idea if you know what your love language is. Are you more physical in nature? Do you find that you feel you're expressing your love to the highest extent when you’re telling your partner that there’s nothing they can’t do? On his site, Chapman has some quizzes to help you understand your love language better. You may be surprised about yours — or find that you're in somewhere in the middle of two.

3. Learn To Compromise

Relationships are about compromise. I know, I know; I don’t like to compromise either, but it’s just something you need to do if you want to make a relationship work. Since you can’t avoid compromise, then you need play the give and take game. What this means is that you need to give into being more physical, if that’s how your partner communicates their love, while they need to be more willing to perform acts of service, if that's your language. As Chapman wrote for Motto, “If you don’t learn to speak your partner’s language, they won’t feel loved and nurtured —and vice versa.” So, yeah, compromise is key here.

4. Communicate What You Need To Feel Loved

Unless your partner can read minds, then you need to tell them, with words, what you need from them. If you’re compromising, then you need the same from them but they can’t give you that until you communicate what you need. Those lines of communication need to be wide open if you’re going to get over your love language differences and not let them be a roadblock.

5. Know That You Don’t Have To Speak The Same Love Language To Have A Successful Relationship

There are many components to a relationship and love language is just one of them — which is promising for those who don’t speak the same love language. But while that’s great to hear, we still need to go back to the compromising factor of how to cope when you and your partner speak different love languages. You may not need to speak the same language to have a great and healthy relationship, but you do need to be willing to give a little on your end, just as much as they need to on their end.

6. Accept That Love Languages May Not Change

While we can learn to speak the same love language, it doesn’t change the fact that our love language is what it is. With that in mind, you need to be cognizant of what it takes for both you and your significant other to feel love and adoration. Yes, you can learn, communicate, compromise, and even tweak how you go about things for the sake of each other, but at the end of the day, if you and your partner speak different love languages, that’s not going to change. Realizing this sooner than later will make coping and communicating so much easier.

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