Why is my dad such a douchebag

Home > Uncategorized > 10 Silver Linings of Having an Asshole Father

I wanted to share my words from my dad’s memorial this past weekend, which took place at UMass Boston. You can read his official obituary here.

10 silver linings of having an asshole father

1. When I met Larry Summers at the hedge fund he was known as a pushy, physically imposing and intellectually arrogant bully. He was all those things. He was also a pussycat compared to my dad. My dad taught me never to be intimidated by anyone.
2. My father never displayed nor expected conformity. Since he never followed inconvenient constraints of etiquette or behavior, my father role modeled for me that most norms or even laws can be interpreted as rules of thumb to be considered and held up to inspection rather than thoughtlessly followed. That’s been useful to me, especially as a female intellectual.
3. My father was incredibly wrong about a bunch of things, and wrong headed to top it off. He consistently argued that men are smarter than women, even as my mom consistently helped him write his research papers, he seemed to truly believe some eugenic beliefs, and he was very into evolutionary biological explanations for why he and men like him should be entitled to unquestioned power. But to his credit, he was always willing to argue these points. He taught me the value of intellectual debate and fighting for my ideas and values.
4. For the same reasons as above, he often embodied selfishness, self interest, and lazy thinking. He didn’t even believe science when it was inconvenient to his worldview, as in the case of climate change. At those moments, it made it easy for me to see and pick apart the errors of his logic. He turned me into an intellectual critic, which has made me a ton of money over the years. So thanks dad.
5. My dad claimed, out loud and often, to be the smartest person in the world. He even sometimes seemed to believe it. And the truth is he was really smart, but he was also weirdly emphatic about exaggerating such things to the point of incredibility. I want to thank my dad for helping me understand our current president at a deep level.
6. In terms of parenting my children, my father taught me the value of consistent kindness by displaying the wreckage of sporadic cruelty. I’m a better mother for my childhood, during which I learned what not to do. It’s a backhanded compliment but it’s real.
7. Just as his brutality was never subtle, his generosity was never fake. Many of the people in this room can personally attest to my father’s impressive generosity with his home, his hospitality, his jokes, and most especially his alcohol. I thank him for teaching me to welcome people into my home with openness and love.
8. Along those lines, my father taught me to love ideas for their own sake. His favorite activity was reading, and reading out loud to whomever happened to be walking through the room. To this day I cannot stand Robert Heinlein or Oscar Wilde poetry but I do love ideas and I think he’s partly why.
9. When I was a little kid, my dad expected me to sing folk songs with him. One day he yelled at me to sing the harmony instead. I thought it was just something I was supposed to know how to do when I was 8. So I did it. I don’t think I’d be able to enjoy music as much as I do without that.
10. My father taught me to say what I mean and mean what I say. For example, he was such an asshole he wouldn’t even mind being called an asshole. Actually I’m not sure about that but I guess the apple hasn’t fallen too far from the tree.

Categories: Uncategorized

I don’t want this to sound like a hate speech…but I really, really, really don’t like Douchebags. Especially when their douche behavior risks other people’s lives and even their kids! Don’t get me wrong, we all have those moments where we occasionally act a little like a douche. I mean come on, we’re only human. But this is for the douches out there who day in and day out consistently make others angry, spread negativity, and risk lives.

What does this have to do with my parenting blog? I’m not quite sure. Maybe it’s an attempt to prevent this terrible behavior from being passed on to the offender’s children. Before we dive in, let’s clarify the different titles and severity of the Douchebag.

The Junior Douche

Douche in training. Your bad behavior, although not as consistent and severe, will form a gateway to more sinister acts as you progress. Break the cycle and make a change while you still can!

The Stupid Douche

Your ignorance and stupidity are no excuse for acting like a douche. Your behavior stems from not knowing how to act or appropriately treat others. 

The Douchebag

The original if you will. You consistently and unashamingly participate in douchebag activities that make enemies, cause negativity, and hurt others.

The Royal Douche 💩

You are an elitist amongst the douches. Sometimes referred to as the king douche. Your douche reputation preceeds you and lingers in your victims’ minds long after you’re gone. Your actions can silence an entire room within seconds and leave people in awe, danger, and disgust.

Non-driving Offenses

1. You cut in line without asking others if they are waiting or mind. Douchebag!

2. You politely ask a parent how old their baby or toddler is and then follow up with a derogatory comment like “Oh, he’s so small.” Yeah that’s exactly what a parent wants to hear about how their kid is not developing as fast as other children. Thank you Stupid Douche!

3. You stand by as your kid is rude and disrespectful to others, even children. I guess it’s fitting that your kid acts like that given you are a Douchebag.

4. You use and abuse Mother Earth by littering. Make a little effort to throw away your trash and don’t be a Junior Douche. 

5. You hurt, abuse or neglect pets. Yes we’ve all accidentally killed poor Goldie the fish, but the owners who mistreat the animals that you see on the ASPCA commercials are Royal Douches.

6. Somebody goes out of their way to help you for free and then you complain and whine about it. I am guilty of this one, just ask my wife! Junior Douche!

7. You use your toddler to show off and one-up other kids. Uh…again guilty as charged! Lol I can sometimes be a little competitive, and a Junior Douche.

Driving Offenses 

8. You have a train horn on anything that is not a train. Scaring people while they’re driving is dangerous and that makes you a Douchebag.

9. Your ridiculously loud diesel truck blows black exhaust smoke on people and cars. Hey I like built trucks, but not damaging or poisoning others. That makes you a Douchebag.

Daddy Angry, Daddy Smash!

10. You don’t stop for people walking on crosswalks or in parking lots, even when it’s raining! God forbid you have to wait from the comfort of your dry car while someone carries groceries and a toddler in the rain. You sir (in the black Acura MDX that almost hit me the other day) are a Royal Douche.

11. You fail to pass other drivers when in the left lane, thus blocking traffic. Left lane is for passing! If you’re on the highway, the fastest way to piss off other drivers is to block them in the left lane. Get the bleep over you Stupid Douche!

12. You speed down neighborhood streets when children are playing. I think this qualifies for Royal Douche.

13. You pull in or out of a parking space as the person next to you is getting in or out of their car. I was almost hit by a Stupid Douche who couldn’t wait 3 seconds while I was getting my son out of his car seat. 

14. You neglect to pull over for ambulances and emergency vehicles. Someone could be dying in that ambulance and that makes you a Royal Douche.

Don’t hurt the baby!

15. You fail to stop for school buses as they load and unload children. Nice! Risking the lives of children makes you a Royal Douche!

16. You blast super loud bass or smoke cigarettes while your baby is in the back seat. Really? You’re a Stupid Douche.  

17. Finally, for you Fast and Furious wannabes, gunning your car in a parking lot doesn’t mean your car is fast. It actually means that you’re a Douche. If you want to get noticed, how about doing something meaningful with your life.

Do you have any suggestions or additions to this list? Please post a comment below and I will add it. Thanks for reading and good luck out there!

 Updates from readers:

18. Texting and driving is definitely dangerous and a douche move that a lot of us are guilty of!  Added by Kim

19. Rolling through stop signs especially when children are around. Super dangerous and Royal Douche worthy.  Added by Kristopher

20. Assuming a woman is pregnant and then making comments to her about it. Seriously, the main indication that a woman you don’t know is pregnant is that she looks bigger than her normal self. By calling her out on it, pregnant or not, is saying she looks big and that makes you a stupid douche. 

21. Taking your sick child out in public and even to play with other children! Stop being parental douches! If your child has a fever, runny nose, bad cough, or any other signs of illness, keep them home!