Why do i get irritated when my boyfriend touches me

Fear of Intimacy, Relationships By PsychAlive

Burdens, in the case of love and relationships, can refer to the painful realities of what it means to care for someone and have them care for us in return. Being valued by a loved one challenges our preexisting negative views toward ourselves. We have to recognize our anxiety over losing an identity we’ve accepted all our lives. Moreover, as we come to value someone, we have to face our fears of losing a person who now means a great deal to us. Being in love makes our lives a lot more meaningful, and therefore, both frightening and painful. Our tendency to feel angry at love directed toward us is a defense we all develop in response to these deep-seated fears of intimacy.

Read about Understanding Fear of Intimacy

How Does Our Anger Toward Love Show Itself?

Relationships often fall apart. It’s common for people who were once inseparable to break up and never see each other again. So many couples turn from madly in love to mad with loathing, and all parties are left to wonder what happened. What drove them apart? This shift away from love often starts with our fear of intimacy, which leads us to act out toward our loved ones.

First, it may be subtle things: less eye contact, fewer acts of physical affection, a slight resistance to share activities we once both enjoyed, an increase in critical observations, lowered levels of passion, a slow breakdown of respect for each other’s independence and boundaries. When we act out these patterns of anger toward our partner, we are often truly angry at love itself. When our partner looks at us with kind eyes, it may start to get on our nerves. When he or she reaches for our hand, we may be a little more likely to pull away. These are acts of kindness, intimacy and affection, yet we start to recoil and react as if we are repelled by them.

Eventually, these patterns will become increasingly harmful. As we get closer in a relationship, we actually feel more threatened, and therefore, angrier at being loved. We may “turn it down a notch” by starting to substitute dynamics of passion and love with habitual ways of relating. We may fall into a more deadened routine, avoiding the activities we once shared with our partner that challenged or excited us. We may substitute real love for what psychologist Dr. Robert Firestone conceptualizes as a “Fantasy Bond,” an illusion of connection that we form based on our defenses. When we fall into this illusion, we frequently fall out of love. We replace form over substance, interacting as a single unit, instead of admiring each other as two separate individuals.

Read about The Fantasy Bond

Our resistance toward love often shows itself in the form of a fantasy bond. A couple who falls victim to their fears of intimacy and resorts to fantasy modes of relating will soon find the relationship crumbling before their eyes. They will start to lose themselves in the relationship, feeling guarded and angry, instead of attracted and vulnerable. Eventually, they will feel contempt for a partner they once adored.

Why Do We Feel Angry at Love Directed Toward Us?

As Dr. Firestone wrote in his blog, “You Don’t Want What You Say You Want,” “Most of us profess that we want to find a loving partner, but the experience of real love disrupts fantasies of love that have served as a survival mechanism since early childhood.” These “survival mechanisms” refer to the defenses we formed in response to undesirable circumstances in our early lives. In his book, Fear of Intimacy, Dr. Firestone illustrates this point, writing, “When people have been hurt in their earliest relationships, they fear being hurt again and are reluctant to take another chance on being loved.  They utilize distancing behaviors to preserve their psychological equilibrium.”

Our early relationship experiences heavily influence the way we relate in our adult relationships. For example, if we were rejected or dismissed as kids, we may feel insecure as adults. We may seek partners who leave us feeling familiarly empty and alone, or we may choose people who are overbearing to compensate for what we felt we lacked. Either way, we will recreate negative dynamics, rather than seeking out new, healthy ways of relating. We do this, not because we mean to, but because we are subconsciously driven toward what is comfortable or familiar.

Read about How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationships

Breaking our self-defeating patterns means getting to know ourselves – coming to understand our pasts and how they influence our present. On the surface, our feelings about love may seem positive and hopeful, but deeper inside, we may have fears about being loved. We may feel angry at love at times we don’t expect toward the people we value the most. When this happens, it’s important to have patience with ourselves and self-compassion. We should aim to challenge maladaptive behaviors that would hurt our relationship or create distance between us and our partner. We should be aware of the times we push love away and think about why these moments make us uncomfortable. How do they tie in with our past?

In coming to know ourselves, we open up our capacity to experience love. We can start to feel less angry at love expressed toward us. Even when we notice feeling angry at love from our partner, we can choose how we act, so that we get closer, instead of allowing ourselves to act in ways that would sabotage a worthy relationship.

We're both in our early twenties, this is my second long term relationship and his first.

I was diagnosed with BPD back in October after putting myself in a 3 day coma. I impulsively took a bunch of pills that gave me seizures which caused the coma.

I have often behaved in ways that would push him away, yelling, telling him he doesn't care about me, throwing things, breaking his property when I'm drunk and angry but recently it's gotten to the point where I do not want him to touch me.

He often hugs me, or cuddles me when we sleep and I don't like it. I'm so uncomfortable and just want to huddle up in my corner and sleep without being bothered by him. He also grabs my butt, he always has, and almost instantly move or cover up with a separate blanket to keep me away from him.

It was never like this, about a week ago is when it started. I use to love being cuddled and kissing him, it's not that it feels wrong.. I just don't like it.

Today, he was trying to hug me, I push him away and he's very persistent. Clinging onto me and not letting me go even though I physically try to push him away. I got to the point of yelling at him and hitting him to get him away, saying I didn't like when he touched me. He turned around and pushed everything off of our end table, and I felt releaved he knew and he wouldn't try to touch me again.

I'm going to talk to my therapist about this when I see her on Wednesday, but until then I don't want him to touch me at all. I don't even want to kiss him. I'm angry now but I know it's going to fester and I'm going to regret everything I've said and probably not feel that way anymore.

I guess I'm posting because I want similar stories and what you guys did. I don't want to feel this way towards him but I just do. I don't know what I'm suppose to do.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Have you ever dealt with couples where one partner had issues with being touched? That’s the situation I am in now. I have been seeing a guy for about eight months and he’s really great. He’s sweet, gives me little gifts, great conversationalist, supports me, has a lot in common with me, etc. But one thing I’ve always found strange is that he doesn’t really like to touch me or be touched very much.

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For example, we will be sitting next to each other on the couch watching a show and I’ll reach for his hand, but while he lets me touch it briefly, he pulls away fairly quickly and folds his arms or something. I can lean on his shoulder for a little bit and that seems okay, but he doesn’t go out of his way to touch me. Even hugging seems difficult. He’ll do it if I initiate, but he always breaks it off first. He also never goes in for the first kiss. We have sex, but that’s kind of distant too, in that we don’t really make eye contact and afterward he heads straight for the shower rather than cuddling with me.

This has taken some getting used to for me, as I am used to relationships where there is a lot of touch. Everyone is different, and I want to respect his differences and his boundaries. I don’t think this is something we can’t overcome. It’s just hard not to be touched by my partner, and I don’t know why it’s not as important to him as it seems to be for me. I did a little reading online and saw that abuse or trauma in a person’s past could make them more averse to certain types of touch. If that’s what’s going on, he hasn’t told me anything. And it doesn’t feel right to ask him about his past in that way if he doesn’t want to volunteer it.

What do you think might be going on? Is this just how some men are? —Out of Touch

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Dear Out of Touch,

Thank you for your note. While I’m not sure how “some men” are, I know how this man is, based on your description. You sound quite compassionate, incidentally, a great quality in a partner.

It does sound as if your guy has some discomfort with physical closeness. It is hard to discern what the source of that might be. I was impressed with your research and estimation of the cause as you try to understand him better. I hope he returns the favor.

I was struck by your comment that “it doesn’t feel right to ask him” about his past. Why? It may be hard for you to broach the topic. You may fear you’re wrecking the “honeymoon,” but I don’t see a good reason for you to suffer alone; you need more info here.

One way to attempt this is to say you find the topic awkward but necessary to discuss. I am fairly sure you are not the type to say, “So what’s the deal here? Think I got cooties?” At an opportune time, you could start with something along the lines of, “Listen, this is awkward and I don’t mean to rain on our parade, but I’ve noticed you tend to pull away when we’re close, and it’s confusing me.”

You can state your feelings without making demands or intrusions. Examples of this might include, “I find it a little odd or disconcerting when you run to the shower after sex,” or, “I really like cuddling after sex, but it seems you really don’t,” and so on. It gives him an opportunity to open up about a potentially tender issue.

I assume he, too, may feel awkward or antsy about the topic, which is why he hasn’t brought it up. He may be relieved when you do, in the thoughtful way you expressed in your letter.

I can’t see how bringing this up would be too forward. It would likely be worth your while to reflect upon why this is hard for you. I can only imagine that, over time, his barriers will become more off-putting—perhaps even cold or rejecting, even if he doesn’t mean it to be. We need our partners to care about how we feel and vice versa, even when there isn’t 100% agreement. Such emotional respect and trust is the mortar of intimacy.

In your case, you would need to loosen your own internal boundary regarding introducing a sensitive topic. He would need to ease up on his interpersonal barrier, enough to get the conversation started. Clearly you and your guy have different attitudes around touch, which cannot help but have an impact on the overall connection.

If you are right in your astute speculation that this is trauma related—and that would be my guess as well—it may be affecting him in some emotional or psychological way. As mind and body prove to be more intertwined as research on this progresses, there is undoubtedly some reason your guy is motivated to stick with a boundary that sounds a bit rigid.

It is nearly an axiom for me that, when it comes to close relationships of any stripe (even between therapist and person in therapy), rigidity can strangle spontaneity, love, or caring. The main thing I suggest you focus on, regarding whether this is a tolerable problem, is not the content of his response but how he responds.

All couples, at various stages, have issues that need addressing. What is important is how those issues are discussed and negotiated. As the cliché goes, relationships involve compromise. In the end, while neither person is disappointed nor thrilled at the micro level, the overall relationship is happily continued.

If your guy were unwilling to be even a little uneasy in talking about this issue, or talking about why talking about it is difficult, that would be concerning. The magic words in his response, were I your individual or couples counselor, would be something to the effect of, “Yes, I can see how that’s awkward or hard to understand for you.” The yellow or red flag would be, “Why are you bringing this up? There’s nothing to see here.”

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, pioneers in couples theory and counseling, say the “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” or major red flags in relationships, involve either excessive criticism or defensiveness. These are the danger zones: boundaries that are too rigid or a consistent lack of empathy between partners. Thus, while romance and finance tend to provoke anxiety in couples, it is how they are dealt with that matters, along with the degree to which each person emotionally “hears” the other.

In your case, you would need to loosen your own internal boundary regarding introducing a sensitive topic. He would need to ease up on his interpersonal barrier, enough to get the conversation started. Clearly you and your guy have different attitudes around touch, which cannot help but have an impact on the overall connection.

I think you would be doing him a favor by bringing this up, because if he wants to be in any close relationship it will have to be dealt with. I would hope he’d be relieved at your courage, since the move would show him that the relationship is important to you.

Without risk, relationships suffocate. Keep the focus on how you feel, as best you can, and what you hope will come from discussion. Starting with a mention of the “good stuff”—such as his generosity, great conversations, and so on—could make the more difficult parts easier. You might want to partner with a couples counselor who can help facilitate things.

Thank you for writing. I hope this was helpful.

All the best,

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT