How to respond when someone asks for your pronouns

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"Replying implies acceptance of the premise that humans can choose their gender, but refusal isn't always an option."

DP: I welcome suggestions from readers in the comments below.

Colin Wright correctly points out that replying to the question, "What are your pronouns?" implies acceptance of the premise that humans can choose their gender ("When Asked for Your 'Pronouns,' Don't Answer," op-ed, Feb. 5). His suggestion not to reply to the pronoun impertinence makes good sense.

But matters are sometimes more complex. The only person to ask me for pronouns did so in bureaucratic mode as I was scheduling a medical appointment. Not wanting to jeopardize my health for a principled stand on pronouns, I unhappily mumbled "he/his." Some employers and schools require staff and students to supply pronouns. In such cases, rudeness, sarcasm or refusal do not work.

Something succinct, clever and polite is needed. My best retort is, "I think you know the answer," but I welcome better ones from your readers.

Daniel Pipes
Philadelphia
Mr. Pipes founded Campus Watch.

Pronoun pins for Adidas store sales associates.

Feb. 10, 2022 addendum: Other suggestions:

• A letter writer to the WSJ: For older persons, "My pronouns are what they've been for the past 7+ decades."
• One e-mail correspondent who goes by Literary Pretender: "That question makes me uncomfortable."
• A neurologist: "XX" or "XY."
• AJC replied in a comment: "I avoid pronouns and prefer to be addressed by my name."
• Kevin sarcastically suggests: "why shouldn't we all adopt the most universal and gender-neutral pronouns: it / its / that. It, no pun intended, has the added benefit of putting humans on the same level as plants and animals."

I received my first email recently from someone with pronouns in the email signature (it must have been imposed on her because I was forwarded another email from a different person in the same organisation stating pronouns...as if one couldn't work it out from the name). I felt embarrassed for them having to do that.

I went to a yoga retreat a while ago and in the lead up someone started a "what are your pronouns" email trail. I sort of kind of accidentally overlooked it and didn't respond. If pressed, I think I would have said, "I'm female, any third person pronoun will do."

Where I work, the pronouns thing hasn't caught on yet but I'm bracing myself for it. People with names that aren't obviously coded "female" or "male" often add "Mr" or "Ms" to their signature to make it clear which sex they are, which makes sense and surely should suffice. One way to push back might be, "isn't that forcing trans and gender diverse identifying colleagues to out themselves when they might not be comfortable with that?" It's performative inclusivity which, it seems to me, does nothing to address any systemic problems and alienates everyone. Also, the logic of claiming ownership of the third person pronouns others use is bizarre to me. What happened to, "What other people think of you is none of your business?" If a they/them demanded pronoun cirles at every meeting, I would probably avoid referring to or dealing with that person at all.

I almost miss the days when I'd get correspondence addressed to me as "dear Sir" because the writer hadn't bothered to change the template (I used to take great delight in addressing my responses to the always male senders with "dear Madam" - if they were going to make a show of not addressing their recipient correctly, then so would I). It seems like a simpler time in the history of sexism.

I am starting college next week and with new classes, I have heard that many people will ask for your “gender pronouns” (If you don’t know what I mean, consider yourself lucky) I have been thinking about how I should politely respond when I am inevitably asked this question. I don’t want to affirm the idea that there are more than two sexes but I also don’t want to introduce myself by starting a war. So what should I say?

For those of us who understand that sex is a biological term that applies to possums, wolves, elephants and humans, what should we say when asked for our “pronouns”? Colin Wright says we should refuse to answer the question. I think a bare refusal is a bit rude. People asking for pronouns often don’t mean any harm, even though they are implicitly asking you to buy into an ideology that conflicts with biology, often without awareness that they are doing this. I agree with Wright that a request for pronouns constitutes stereotyping.

What would I do next time I’m asked? I might respond by saying something like: “Sign me up as a human being who doesn’t believe in stereotyping.” If that triggers an awkward silence, perhaps I would follow up: “But by all means, I’m not telling anyone else how to respond . . .

Wright’s article appears in the Wall Street Journal. The title is “When Asked ‘What Are Your Pronouns,’ Don’t AnswerA seemingly innocuous question masks a demand for conformity with a regressive set of ideas.” Here’s an excerpt:

Gender activists believe that being a man or a woman requires embracing stereotypes of masculinity or femininity, respectively, or the different social roles and expectations society imposes on people because of their sex. Planned Parenthood explicitly states that gender identity is “how you feel inside,” defines “gender” as a “a social and legal status, a set of expectations from society, about behaviors, characteristics, and thoughts,” and asserts that “it’s more about how you’re expected to act, because of your sex.” . . .

So when someone asks for your pronouns, and you respond with “she/her,” even though you may be communicating the simple fact that you’re female, a gender ideologue would interpret this as an admission that you embrace femininity and the social roles and expectations associated with being female. While women’s-rights movements fought for decades to decouple womanhood from rigid stereotypes and social roles, modern gender ideology has melded them back together. . . .

Let me offer an analogy. [Imagine a] request from the American Federation of Astrologers encouraging everyone to begin conversations with, “Hi, I’m a Sagittarius. What’s your sign?” To respond with your own star sign would be to operate within and signal your tacit agreement with the belief system of astrology.

Here is a free pdf of Colin Wright’s article.

[Added April 21 2022]

Feb. 9, 2022 1:01 pm ET

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