The psychological reward we receive from the affirmation that we have made a judgment or decision that is “right” can be profound and habit-forming. Conversely, it can be deeply upsetting to be proven wrong or to make a decision that has resulted in a particularly negative consequence. The reward and punishment for these behaviors are some of the main factors that drive us toward defensiveness.
Defensiveness is a pronounced reaction to criticism, real or perceived.
Real criticism is an effort by another party to raise awareness of or correct behavior that he or she determines to be detrimental. The criticized party may recognize a personal or behavioral flaw and begin to experience unfavorable emotions. To combat internal pain, the criticized may be biologically driven to repair the emotional damage. The quickest fix is to shift to a defensive frame of mind in which adverse feelings can be pushed aside in favor of temporary affirmation.
Perceived criticism is a statement with undertones of judgment mistakenly identified as criticism. While perceived criticism may not be intentional on the part of the other party, it still affects possible insecurities in the criticized party.
A bout with defensiveness can affect your relationships by:
Whether criticism is real or perceived, the goal of a critique is not to invite a counter-critique. Counteracting negative emotions by provoking them in others will only snowball negativity.
Feeling defensive can signal the brain to reroute logic pathways that will affect decision making. For the duration of a bout with defensiveness, decisions may be made that have permanent consequences.
The need for affirmation in a defensive person may cause him or her to embellish or misperceive events that may or may not be true or related. This, in turn, can affect the impression of a person’s character. Causing hostile reactions, making poorly planned decisions, and losing credibility are all harmful to the maintenance of a healthy relationship.
Judge Jim Tamm lays out some of the most outwardly recognizable signs of defensiveness in his exploration of relationships, Defensiveness – The Poison Pill to Relationships. Look for at least 3 of the following signs when trying to identify defensive behavior:
Judge Tamm and his researchers have identified over 50 signs of a shift into defensiveness. A combination of these symptoms is a good sign that it’s time to look closer at the possibility of defensive behavior.
Judge Tamm recommends that you let yourself feel the negative feelings and learn to cope when faced with defensiveness. His step by step process is:
Recognizing and accepting that you may be feeling defensive may help reactivate your logical processes.
Give your body time to adjust to the sudden shift in circumstances by taking a walk or closing your eyes.
Once you’ve had time to recover, actively identify your negative thoughts and contradict them if possible.
Know your reactions when you start to feel negative and counteract those reactions as soon as you see them.
Begin your conversation from square one after you’ve had time to cool off and taken steps toward self-control.
 Getting a grasp on defensive behavior is in your hands. Start by getting to know the biological signs of defensiveness, then learn your own behaviors and counteract them with positive thinking. The time to begin repairing relationships affected by defensiveness is now.
Your defensiveness is killing your relationships and you don’t even realize it. What? Me being defensive? I’m not defensive! YOU’RE the one that’s always defensive! That’s a classic defensive response to a piece of feedback. Throw up a wall, rebut the statement, and accuse the other person of the same complaint. The sad thing is many of us react defensively without even thinking about it. In her book, A Mind of Its Own: How Your Brain Distorts and Deceives, Cordelia Fine points out that we think other people’s bad behavior toward us is intentional, but we dismiss our own bad behavior as inadvertent, a mistake, or unavoidable due to circumstances out of our control. This allows us to feel morally superior to the other person while simultaneously protecting our ego from the possibility that we may actually be incompetent or acting like a jerk. The Causes of Defensiveness People react defensively because they anticipate or perceive a threat in their environment, not usually because they’re just wanting to be difficult. Unfortunately, defensive behavior creates a reciprocal cycle. One party acts defensively, which causes the other party to respond defensively, which in turn causes the first party to raise their defenses even higher, and so on and so on. Defensive behavior can be a complex and murky issue. For many people, their behavioral patterns stem from emotional, mental, or personality issues/tendencies developed over the course of their lifetimes (feelings of abandonment, inferiority, low self-esteem, narcissism, etc.). Beyond the mental and emotional factors, there are types of behaviors that cause people to respond defensively. Defensive communication expert Jack Gibbs outlines six behavioral categories that create defensive responses in people:
How to Deal With Your and Other People’s Defensive Behavior Dealing with defensive behavior can be complex and exhausting because it’s hard to separate a person from their behavior or the situation. And as mentioned earlier, some people’s defensiveness is so deeply rooted in their behavioral patterns that there is little realistic chance they will permanently change. However, there are some helpful strategies we can use to deal with our own defensiveness and that of others:
Defensiveness destroys relationships from the inside-out. It creates a climate of contention and tension that eventually leads to a loss of trust, alienation, and separation. The opposite of defensiveness, openness, creates an atmosphere of freedom, growth, respect and trust. Identifying the root of defensiveness in our relationships, and working toward addressing and removing those issues, will help improve the overall quality of our relationships and the productivity of our teams and organizations. |
How to overcome defensiveness in relationships
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