Why do we compare ourselves with others

This entry was posted on 18 February, 2022 by TMP Admin.

It makes sense that we compare ourselves with others; social belonging is important to us, so we look around at our peers and make judgements on how well we’re fitting in. Whilst it's natural for us to compare, this doesn’t mean it benefiting us.

Fear and anxiety are natural functions of the brain, designed to help us survive. Yet when these traits, including social comparison, become overstimulated they can cripple us, rather than keep us safe.

If we’re constantly comparing ourselves to others and finding ourselves lacking in some way, this will leave us feeling not good enough and unable to express and enjoy our individuality.

Reversely, if we’re comparing ourselves to others and feeling that we are better, this can put us into a self-righteous or judgemental mindset; one we might then feel we need to maintain.

So how can we find peace with who we are, as we find ourselves, rather than basing our sense of self-worth on how we shape up in comparison with other people?

Self-Esteem Relies on Comparison

We may think that the antidote to being affected by social comparison is to have high self-esteem; to cultivate the belief that we are clever, good at our job, attractive, kind and loving, etc. However, rather than softening the sting of social comparison and helping us to accept ourselves, our desire for self-esteem actually drives us to compare in order to feel good.

For us to feel attractive, self-esteem requires us to judge ourselves as above average in looks. If we’re to feel clever, we must achieve higher grades than our classmates. If we’re to feel like a kind person, we must try not get caught up in anger or selfishness like other people do, and so on.

“The pursuit of high self-esteem has become a virtual religion, but research indicates this has serious downsides. Our culture has become so competitive we need to feel special and above average to just feel okay about ourselves (being called “average” is an insult).

Most people, therefore, feel compelled to create what psychologists call a 'self-enhancement bias' – puffing ourselves up and putting others down so that we can feel superior in comparison.

However, this constant need to feel better than our fellow human beings leads to a sense of isolation and separation.” 

DR. KRISTIN NEFF

Not only this, but when we compare ourselves to others and feel that we are less attractive or less successful, this really puts a dent in our self-worth.

We might ask ourselves questions like, “How can I consider myself successful when my friend is earning more money than I am? That must mean I’m not successful.”

Yet it is possible to untangle ourselves from thinking about our worth in terms of how we compare with others.

Accepting Ourselves with Self-Compassion

Whilst it’s true that we all share many things in common, including the pain and isolation of social comparison, it’s also true that we are unique in many ways. No one else has had quite the same life. No one else has exactly the same mind.

We’re all dealing with a unique mix of personal history, brain wiring, physical abilities, personal limitations, emotions and thoughts. Remembering this can help us to become more grounded in the presence of who we are, not in relation to family, friends, colleagues or celebrities, but as an individual who is equally as valid as anyone else. 

By adopting a more self-compassionate attitude towards ourselves, we can start to frame our lives differently. Instead of feeling that our achievements only count if they’re better than other people’s, we can start to realise that they count simply because we’ve achieved them.

Say for example that we struggle daily with depression; if we come from a place of self-compassion, rather than self-esteem, we can see that our achievement of getting out of bed in the morning counts.

These achievements are not because we’ve won some imaginary competition with others, but because it was hard for us to do, and yet we did it! And on days when we don’t manage anything, we can give ourselves a break and not add to our suffering by ranking ourselves as less than others.

It can be useful to reflect on how we feel about ourselves, acknowledging our successes with an awareness of what it took for us to achieve them. We can view our failings with self-compassion, rather than belittling ourselves because other people seem to be doing much better.

Self-Soothing Exercise

1) A quick and effective way of accessing more self-compassion in this moment is to place our hands on our hearts.

2) If it feels right, gently stroke that area, with the same kindness you might use to stroke a friend’s arm if they are feeling upset or a pet.

3) Remember to breathe, noticing any unkind or judgemental thoughts that might arise and gently releasing them. 

4) Acknowledge the presence of thoughts, yet if you can, try not to hold onto them.

5) Just be with those thoughts, as a habitual chattering of the mind, rather than placing any sense of truth onto them.

6) If it’s useful, you could try reminding yourself that you are always doing the best that you can in any moment, perhaps offering yourself some gentle words of encouragement. 

Experiment with practicing this self-soothing technique whenever you notice that you’re judging your worth as a person in comparison to the worth you perceive in others.

Learn About Mindful Self-Compassion on a Course or Workshop.

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Even though most of us try not to, we’re all guilty of comparing ourselves to others. We can make comparisons like, “I wish I dressed like so-and-so,” or, “I wish I were as rich as them.”

This is often unconscious, but it’s important to try to train ourselves to stop. While it may motivate us to better ourselves, constantly comparing ourselves to others can lead to negative thoughts. 

Why do I compare myself to others?

Human beings are social creatures, and comparison is common throughout our entire history. 

Social media platforms like Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook bombard us with posts about what we lack. These apps are comparison traps that encourage us to question aspects of our own lives.

It’s easy to forget that social media is a highlight reel of other people’s lives. We see their best moments, but don’t usually witness their struggles.

We often compare our lesser qualities with a person's best qualities, skewing our judgment.  

How does comparison affect my life?

Too much comparison leads to unhappiness and low self-esteem. We become frustrated with ourselves for "not being good enough," or angry with others. 

Some real-life examples of comparisons are:

1. You see another woman walk down the street and think, “I wish I were as pretty as her."
2. You see a celebrity posting on Instagram about their workout and tell yourself, “If only my body looked like his."
3. A coworker is giving a presentation, and you can’t help saying, “She’s a way better public speaker than I am." 

Feelings of jealousy, frustration, and hopelessness emerge if comparisons continue. If left unaddressed, chronic anxiety and depression can stem from such behavior. 

To avoid comparisons, people may look for others’ faults to make themselves feel better. This is just as unhealthy as tearing yourself apart for what you don’t have or don’t look like. 

I want to stop comparing myself to others: what do I do?

To halt the comparison habit,  focus on bettering yourself and boosting your confidence. Try to train your mind to step away from unfavorable comparisons. Seek instead to embrace kindness and a positive attitude. It's hard work, but it pays off. 

Here are some things you can do to take the initiative to stop comparing yourself to others. 

1. Be aware of your triggers and avoid them

To improve your mental health and emotional well-being, list out the situations and circumstances that make you sad or cynical. Social media isn’t the only thing harming our self-esteem. 

Is there someone in your life who often puts you down? Or maybe you feel inadequate when a colleague brags. Perhaps there’s a specific place that makes you feel bad, like wandering through an expensive store at the mall.

Once you are aware of situations that make you likely to engage in comparisons, you can take action to avoid them. 

2. Limit your time on social media

Social media keeps us up to date on our family and friends, current events, and raises awareness. But like most things, it’s best in moderation. Over scrolling on social media, especially when consuming lifestyle and beauty content, can have negative effects on our self-worth.

Unfollow accounts that cause you to compare yourself to others. Turn off your phone after a certain time of day and don’t respond to every message or comment you receive. 

Ask yourself if you could spend your time on social media more constructively instead. Could you read a book? Go for a walk? Call a friend?

3. Avoid comparing other peoples' "outsides" to your own "insides"

No one truly knows what’s happening behind the scenes in someone else’s life. Everyone is facing their own struggles.

4. Remind yourself that "money doesn't buy happiness"

There is a relationship between mental health and money. But one thing is true: money doesn't buy happiness. Despite being bombarded with ads that say otherwise, money doesn’t guarantee permanent happiness. Watching celebrities live luxurious lifestyles can lead us to believe that money will solve our problems, but it rarely does. Instead, it only buys temporary joy. 

5. Count your blessings

Be grateful for what you have. Someone’s life may seem better, but there might be another person out there wishing they had what you had. There’s always something, even just one thing, for which you can be thankful. Implement these strategies to fine-tune your gratitude practice. 

6. Use comparison as motivation

Comparisons can be a great catalyst for change, so long as it’s healthy. Instead of feeling envious of other people’s accomplishments, think about how they were able to achieve them. Then, see how you can replicate them. 

Being inspired by someone you know to be kinder or more open-minded can lead you to be a better person.

7. Focus on your strengths

It’s okay to be humble, but you should also be proud of what you’ve accomplished. Too much humility is just as harmful as too much self-confidence.

Make a list of what you like about yourself. Writing things down can help us recognize and accept the truth instead of speaking it aloud. You can be as general or as specific as you like, and let this list serve as a reminder of your strengths.

8. Celebrate other people too

We must be our biggest supporters, but self-advocacy can coexist with supporting others. Spread positivity by cheering on your friends and coworkers for their milestones. 

9. Remember that insecurities are universal

It’s normal for you to compare yourself to others. We all experience self-doubts and fears that get the best of us now and then. Even the most confident people feel insecure sometimes.

10. Use your past self as a benchmark of comparison

The only real competition you have is who you were yesterday, who you were last month, or who you were a year ago. You’ll be able to see real growth through retrospection and be proud of your growth.

Inspiring quotations to defeat comparisons

Here are some wise words from others that are sure to help spark that urge to stop comparing your life to others and appreciate your amazing self just a little bit more. 

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Rosevelt.

"Stop comparing yourself to other people: you are an original. We are all different and it's okay." - Joyce Meyer. 

"I don't want other people to decide what I am. I want to decide that for myself." - Emma Waston.

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is you-er than you." - Dr. Seuss.

The bottom line

The only person you should be comparing yourself to is yourself. Your efforts should focus on growing from within, being kinder, more resilient, working hard, and being more open instead of whether or not your hair is long enough or you’re as strong as someone else.

BetterUp was created to help us understand ourselves and take charge of our own lives. Clarity, purpose, and passion, and the tools to go after what matters to you. 

BetterUp focuses on human transformation, championing personal growth, social connections, and mental fitness, all in the name of internalizing healthy self-care practices. If you’re willing to put in the work, we’re here to guide you through this crazy journey called life.