Show Is your partner “always angry?” As a couples therapist and marriage counselor, I often hear (or see) couples in counseling where one partner is saying, “Why am I so irritable?!” While their long-suffering spouse nods their head in agreement. As a marriage and family therapist, I take a systemic view of relationships and seek to understand how couples are (whether they know it or not) working together to create their negative relationship dynamic. Even though it can seem like one partner’s “anger issues” and lack of emotional intelligence are THE problem in the relationship, there is often more to the story. Without even realizing it, you’re likely creating this dynamic together. This insight is important because, with it, you can both become much more self-aware of how you’re impacting each other, and will have much more control over your ability to improve communication, manage your emotions, and have the kind of healthy relationship you want. Really! Has your partner or someone close to you mentioned that you seem like you’re always angry? If you are the one who feels like it is hard to control your emotions, it can be really useful to consider the intersection between your own reactions (and take responsibility for them), as well as to consider how your relationship dynamics may be contributing to your tendency to get upset. While individual factors like trust issues, low self-esteem, or codependency might need to be explored on your side of the equation (barring any mental health issues such as depression, which can also lead to irritability), if your “anger issues” are typically happening in the context of your relationship you may be entrenched in a pursue-withdraw relationship dynamic. (With you being the pursuer). I hope you listen to the podcast below to get more insight into this, and how you can step out of this unhealthy relationship dynamic. Without even realizing it, you’re likely creating this dynamic together. Does it feel like you’re walking on eggshells in your relationship? And that your partner is always angry, always quick to react negatively in any situation? This is a difficult communication dynamic that brings many couples to the online marriage counselor’s office, for sure. If you’re dealing with this relationship problem, you’ve probably become more careful and guarded around your partner over time. You love them, and want them to be happy, but it seems like you can never do anything right. Or, at least, not for long. Then something happens and they’re mad at you again. All you want is peace and harmony, but it can start to feel impossible when you’re living with someone who seems to always be upset about something. If it’s been going on for a while, you might feel increasingly helpless about how to make things better between you. Or, if this has been going on for a REALLY long time, you might have begun to think that your partner is just a cranky, overly emotional, possibly irrational, chronically unhappy person for whom nothing will ever be good enough. You may even be wondering if it’s time to call it quits in this relationship. If that’s the case, I’m very happy that you’ve found this podcast — we have no time to waste!
The Pursue / Withdrawal Relationship Dynamic When a Partner is Always AngryFirst of all, you should know that having one partner in a relationship that “pursues” and one who “withdraws” is a very common communication dynamic, and one that experienced marriage counselors can help you with. (Particularly those who are well-versed in evidence based forms of marriage counseling such as the Gottman Method, or Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Even though it feels so hard when you’re going through this kind of communication problem, it is something that many couples resolve successfully. There is no reason why you can’t do it too — and when you do, your relationship can be stronger than ever before. But like all relationship problems, it is unlikely to resolve on its own. You need some knowledge and basic skills before it will get better. And that’s what we’re going to work on today: In part two of our “Communication Problems, and How to Fix Them” mini-podcast series, we’re going be talking about how to tame the tiger glaring at you from across the living room, and bring the peace back into your home. If you haven’t already, please listen to the first podcast in this series (posted last week) to learn about some of the basic concepts that we’ll be building on today. Then, we’ll talk about:
I sincerely hope that this communication advice helps the two of you, and makes it easier for you to talk to each other. Of course, if you feel that working on your relationship with a good marriage counselor, couples therapist or relationship coach would be the most direct route to making positive changes in your relationship dynamic, 1) you’re probably correct and 2) you’re invited to work with us. Get started by requesting your free consultation session to talk about your hopes and goals with a relationship expert. With love and respect, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby P.S. One easy, low key way to start creating positive change in your relationship is to do relationship building activities with your partner. You can listen to this podcast together, or invite them to take our “How Healthy is Your Relationship Quiz” with you, to get the conversational ball rolling. P.P.S. Of course, trying to talk with your partner about their anger issues may or may not be a good idea. As I discuss in this podcast, while the ideas, tools and techniques I offer are very effective for helping resolve garden-variety communication problems there are situations in which it is not appropriate for you to try these out. For example, there is a big difference between “angry,” and “abusive.” If you are in a relationship where you or someone in your home is experiencing verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse you don’t need a podcast — you need professional help. Please visit my “emergency resources” page to get started in finding a competent mental health professional in your community. Xo, LMB 
Every now and again our partner does something irritating, frustrating, disheartening, and just plain annoying. You might be upset they left the toilet seat up. They might have forgotten to take out the trash. They could have said something that hurt you. Whatever the case, it's clear that every couple experiences conflict in their relationship. How does a Power Couple deal with this? First, we must accept people for who they are, which means we can never truly change someone based on our own actions. We can't force them to comply to our personal opinions of morality, they must choose to change themselves. This means we can't force them to remember their keys, we can't force them to speak differently, and we can't force them to change their interests with video games. Yes, you can tell them what annoys you, but remember that it is ultimately up to them to change. Here is the number one thing you can do to stop feeling so annoyed: In order to help diminish the pain we feel from our partner's irritability and arguments, we must arm ourselves with the acceptance of childishness. This is called the Partner-As-Child theory. When you feel annoyed or angry at your partner, imagine them as a child. Literally think back to a photo of their face as a growing toddler. This strengthens your ability to forgive with compassion. Partner-As-ChildYes, understand that your partner, just like everyone else, is a child at heart. Think of the last child you saw and they probably said things that any sane adult would keep to themselves. "Mommy, why did he get to see the doctor before us!?" "Daddy, I can't hold my pee much longer" *A child randomly starts stomping around the bus terminal* "I don't want to play outside, I want my candy now!" If you change some wording around, you'll see that adults say the same things when they're upset. "Babe, I hate waiting in line like this" "For the past 3 exits, I've told you to take a washroom break!" *Your partner ignores you in a seemingly immature fashion* "I don't want to do this stupid workout!" Replace Annoyance With YouthfulnessWhen your partner says or does something immature, look at them as if they were a toddler. Imagine them a young person still making sense of the world, and someone who is prone to make mistakes. A full beard or a full face of makeup can distract you from seeing their inner child, but train yourself to do so ever day. See their inner child every day. As much as you might think you're perfect, you also tend to annoy others. Unknowingly, you might speak too softly, you might hide from certain responsibilities, or you just might rub people the wrong way. And this is fine. Each of us is uniquely special, which means we are also uniquely annoying. When we come across annoyance, instead of quickly jumping to conclusions of "my partner is way too annoying to be liked right now", think of this Partner-As-Child theory. Your partner is still trying to make sense of his or her world. Don't look at them as a final product, but as an ever-growing child that needs compassion and guidance. Sometimes your partner will let out their immature child, and it is up to you to care for this growing partner with love. In Conclusion:For as many days as you can, whenever you feel annoyed with your partner, look at them with the compassion you'd give a child. Instead of seeing annoyance, you will see youthfulness. You will imagine your partner with their pre-teen smile or toddler eyes of innocence. Forgiveness is a strength with Power Couples and reduces conflict within your relationship. Underneath the mature face of everyone around you, there is still a young child still trying to make sense of the world. Replace your feelings of annoyance with the sight of youthfulness. Bonus: BOOK NOW AVAILABLE |
Why do i get annoyed so easily with my boyfriend
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