If you’re single and looking for your soulmate, Valentine’s Day can feel like the whole world is at a party you didn’t get invited to (ugh). It’s totally normal to want a healthy, long-term relationship, and yes, Valentine’s Day can bring that desire sharply into focus (um thanks, Hallmark). We often talk about ‘falling’ in love, but the truth is, a healthy relationship is not something that just *happens* without your input. True, you don’t have any control over when and how your soulmate will appear but there’s a lot you can do to break through the barriers that might be keeping you single – unless you’re happy to remain single, which is a totally legit choice.
In my work as an energy healer, I often help people move through the baggage and beliefs that are keeping romance at bay, and I’ve noticed some recurring themes. Here are eight factors you might need to address if you want to turn your dissatisfactory romantic form around. Some of them might not be easy to reckon with, but I believe that staying stuck in a place you don’t want to be is more uncomfortable. And if something led you to read this article, it’s likely there’s something in here you need to take on board.
Remember: everything is figure-out-able. I managed to attract my soulmate after an inordinately long time of flying solo, so there’s hope for you too.
1. You’re a hot mess (no judgment)
Have you ever been head-over-heels in love with someone who is sleeping in their car, living off cereal, is eight years behind in their taxes and unacquainted with the finer aspects of personal grooming? Didn’t think so. The way you run your life has a direct correlation with the type of partner you’re likely to draw into your life – hot messes attract hot messes, on some level. (Unless you’ve got some sort of saviour syndrome going on, in which case, refer to point 7 and read this article.) When it comes to dating, don’t underestimate the value of getting your life together. If you want to attract a high calibre of partner, be a high calibre of human.
2. You’re looking for someone to complete you
No disrespect to the movie Jerry Maguire, but the moment when Tom Cruise uttered “you complete me” to Renee Zellweger is probably the worst example of #relationshipgoals in cinematic history. (Well, except for Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’Hara, but I digress.) If you are looking for someone to make you feel whole and valid, you’re setting yourself up to fail. Not only is this an inordinate amount of pressure to put on a potential partner, it means you’re likely to attract a narcissist type – because people who view themselves as inadequate are very vulnerable to attracting self-absorbed people. The purpose of a soulmate relationship is to complement your life, not complete it. If you’re fixated on someone fixing you, I recommend working with a counsellor or energy healer to heal any issues around your own self-esteem before you go looking for a partner. You won’t miss out on your soulmate while you do this work on yourself – in fact, you’ll be speeding up the process of drawing them into your life when you *are* ready.
Maybe you think that being cynical about your chances of love will lessen the blow if romance continues to elude you. Maybe you even make jokes about how your bond with your air-conditioner is your most significant relationship to date. You probably think this protects you from getting hurt – because if you don’t aim high, you can’t miss, right? But being cynical about your future (even when disguised as humour) is the crappiest insurance policy ever. Instead of protecting you, it helps you attract what you’re putting all your energy into – in this case, staying single. You can’t attract something you don’t believe will happen. Hold space for a better future, no matter how unlikely it might seem right now.
4. You’re already calling someone ‘husband’ or ‘wife’
Words matter. Words carry energy that determines what you attract. If you are already throwing around the words ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ casually – maybe you’ve dubbed someone your ‘work husband’ or you call your BFF your ‘wifey’ – you’re signalling to the Universe that your emotional needs are already being met. Yes it’s a cute name, but be aware it does narrow your ability to attract a partner who will meet your emotional needs. Okay, this isn’t likely to be the *only* reason you’re single, but it sure won’t be helping.
To be clear, it’s wonderful to have close bonds, just be mindful of the language you’re using around those relationships.
If your deepest desire is to attract your soulmate, but you’re investing your time and energy in hooking up with someone you don’t particularly care about, you’re out of alignment with your goals, friend. While there’s nothing wrong with enjoying dating and casual sex, if your goal is to get into a healthy partnership situation, you need to make sure your actions align with that goal, instead of working against them. Same deal if you’re in a ‘situation-ship’ or dating people who are not future material but… just… you know… *okay*… for now. The Universe can’t support you with your goal if even you aren’t supporting it. Hold space for the relationship you want, and work at being content in the space between. It’s tempting to hope a casual fling will turn into a relationship, or that you might be the gem who convinces this player to finally commit to someone (ie YOU), but this is highly unlikely to happen.
6. You’re still mad at your ex
The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s apathy. If you are still holding toxic emotions such as anger, bitterness or even guilt towards your ex, you haven’t truly moved on. And as long as you’re still sending energy towards that old relationship, your own energy field won’t support a new one. You might (inadvertently) repel potential partners or you may attract someone as hung up on the past as you are. It’s not until you’re feeling either nothing much or – in some cases, pure friendship – for your ex that you’ll know you’ve truly put the past behind you.
Here’s a valuable exercise for understanding why things may not be going to plan romantically: what do all (or many of) your exes or crushes have in common? Maybe they were all controlling. Maybe they were all married or emotionally unavailable. Maybe they were all desperately in need of saving. That will tell you if you’ve got A Pattern. Think about why you’re attracted to that type of personality (maybe it reflects the type of relationship modelled by your parents?), and how that reflects your relationship with yourself. A lot of the time, it’ll be about self-worth or some deep-seated fear in your subconscious, such as fear of rejection or abandonment. As a general rule, we sometimes take on ‘projects’ to distract us from the work we need to do on ourselves, and we sometimes invest in relationships we know won’t go anywhere in order to keep ourselves from getting hurt. Deeply-entrenched patterns can be tackled with energy healing to rewire your subconscious from defaulting to those unhelpful beliefs and fears.
8. It’s time to leave your own pity party
Have you ever been on a date with someone who spent the whole time talking about the terrible break-up they went through? Not exactly attractive, right? Make sure your baggage hasn’t become part of your identity. If what happened in the past was really devastating or unfair, feeling victimised can seem justified. It can even seem like the magnitude of that event DEMANDS prolonged suffering – and almost like, if you move on, you’re making it okay. Trouble is, when the pity party goes on too long, that ‘poor me’ narrative starts to define you. Not only does it make potential partners run away faster than Homer Simpson runs away from work at 5pm, it’s keeping you stuck in an unhelpful narrative. This is a pattern best worked through in consultation with a psychologist or energy healer.
If you’d like to chat to me about an energy healing session to address blocks or issues in your love life, click here.
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Every once in a while we wonder if there’s someone special out there for us.
Most people would be lying if they said they’d never worried about ever finding love, or thought that maybe it was something that just wasn’t for them.
To others, these feelings are fleeting and easily reassured.
For some, this gnawing feeling could start dictating the way they relate to the world.
Don’t let your pessimism eat you up.
For starters, you’re not the only person who feels this way.
If you’re looking for a silver lining in this foggy mess, consider the following things to gain some perspective:
1) Your Standards Are Your Standards For a Reason
Another failed relationship.
Another bad date.
Another night swiping on dating apps but never finding the right one.
You might start to wonder, “Is it me? Am I setting my standards too high?”
While this is always an important question to ask, you have to know when it’s acceptable and when it’s not.
Your standards are your standards for a reason.
What your gut instinct believes you want in a partner — especially when you’ve tried several times in the past — is generally what should be best for you.
Of course, if you’re only looking for tall, handsome, rich, and successful men or women who donate their time to charity, then your standards are probably too high.
But you shouldn’t lower your bar so significantly that you end up settling for partners who don’t deserve you.
2) The Universe Will Help You When You’re Ready
It might feel like you’re the only person who cares about you when you’re sitting alone in your room with nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to see.
Even though you’ve put yourself out there a thousand times, you just can’t find the right man or woman who clicks with you, and you’re sick of fighting for your own happiness all on your own.
But you’re never on your own, no matter how much it feels like it.
The universe is there, listening, and it works in synchronicity: things will happen when they’re meant to happen.
Your soulmate is out there and they probably look like you.
Perhaps instead of looking outward for love, you should be looking inward and working on yourself.
The universe helps those who don’t let themselves get lost on the wrong paths.
3) Life Is About So Much More Than Just Finding a Soulmate
It might often feel like the most important thing in the world is finding “The One”.
And that makes sense: you might be thinking that you want to save the most exciting and eventful moments of your life so that you can spend them with your lifelong partner.
So you deny yourself the experiences of living a full life, simply because you want to find your soulmate first so you can live it with them.
But here’s the thing: life is long, much longer than it feels.
What might be the most important thing in your life right now could be meaningless to you in a year.
Don’t put the rest of your life on hold simply because you want to find your soulmate first.
Live your life the best way you can, and find the other things that give you purpose.
It might be along those paths that you find the person you’re destined to end up with.
4) Your Journey Is Long and Unpredictable
As we said above, life is long.
Long, winding, and unpredictable: you never know which way it’s going to go, where you’ll end up, and who will matter to you at the end of the decade.
And that’s what makes life so beautiful — the endless possibilities and everything you can do with it.
Right now it might feel like you’re worthless and unlovable, but none of that is true.
And even if it is, you have all the time in the world to reverse that.
You can reinvent yourself a thousand times in a single lifetime, discovering the version of “you” that feels best.
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And during these reinventions, you’ll discover the man or woman destined to be yours.
5) You’re Free To Do Whatever You Want
When you’re feeling down and in the dumps, because you don’t have a partner to have nice dinners with, to go on vacations with, to start building a life with, it helps to look at the bright side of things.
And one great thing about being single?
The fact that you’re not in a relationship.
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Because the truth is relationships aren’t always fun and games.
Most relationships end up crashing and burning, and about half of marriages end in divorce.
If you’re struggling to find your soulmate, it might be the universe saving you from a dozen different heartbreaks that went nowhere and just wasted your time.
So enjoy your single life while you have it.
You can do literally whatever you want: move to the other side of the world, change careers, hang out with anyone, all without potentially upsetting your partner and disrupting your life together.
6) There’s No Schedule
Most people get anxious when they start creeping into their late 20s.
Somehow we were led to believe in the narrative that people had to get married before their thirties, or else.
Modern dating makes it seem like there’s a window for when you can meet the love of your life, otherwise, you’d have to spend the rest of your life alone.
This is simply not true.
Many people marry young and don’t find their soulmates until their later years.
It might sound cliche: but love really does take time.
Sometimes it takes years to become the person your soulmate is meant to find, and that’s all part of the journey.
7) A Break Up Isn’t the End
Things understandably seem bleak at the end of a long-term relationship.
After building your life with someone and thinking they’d be “The One”, suddenly it feels like you have to start from scratch.
All the plans you’ve made together and the futures you imagined go down the drain like it was nothing.
It’s easy to dwell on the negatives and tell yourself that you’ve lost your one shot at love, especially if you were convinced this person was going to be the one you spent your life with.
Just because this relationship failed doesn’t mean that you’re doomed for solitude.
As impactful as this relationship has been to you, it in no way sets a precedent for the rest of your relationships.
It’s tough getting back out there, especially if you’ve been out of the game for so long.
At the end of the day, there’s no rush — a breakup is just another speed bump telling you to slow down and prepare for your soulmate.
So sit back and enjoy the ride a little bit.
8) Maybe You’re Not Being Genuine
In your pursuit of finding a soulmate, have you stopped to wonder whether you’re someone people would actually want to end up with?
Too many people focus on finding their significant others without ever spending time on improving themselves.
You could spend your life waiting around for your soulmate without ever taking the time to invest in yourself.
Worse, you could pretend to be someone you’re not just to find a partner.
Soulmates aren’t contracts from the universe that just happens to drop on our lap.
Ultimately it’s up to you to become someone your future partner would want to build their life with.
9) You Could Be Looking In the Wrong Places
There’s a high chance that you won’t find your spouse-to-be swiping on Tinder or hitting up bars at 3 AM on a Saturday.
If you’re feeling down on your luck, consider whether you’ve been looking in the right places.
Speed dating strangers and casually hooking up through the internet certainly isn’t how you meet the love of your life.
You’ll never find the person that’s meant for you until you actually put yourself out there and try building something genuine in earnest.
As much as we want to romanticize soulmates, there is some work involved in finding this special someone.
Engage in activities you enjoy and put yourself in situations where you’re likely to meet someone interesting.
It’s all about casting a wide net and giving yourself the opportunities to succeed.
10) There Are Distractions Throwing You “Off” Right Now
So what if your peers are getting married and having kids?
If romance is the last thing on your mind, that doesn’t mean you’re destined to be alone.
Maybe you’re just not meant to be doing that right now.
You could be in the middle of building an amazing career, and maybe falling in love is the least of your worries.
Just because you’re not feeling it now doesn’t mean you won’t ever experience the same kind of relationship you see in other people.
Your journey is different from others.
You can’t walk in their steps because your roads lead to different places.
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to someone with special intuition.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Psychic Source when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into what my future holds, and the confidence to make the right decisions when it comes to love.
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In just a few minutes you can connect with a highly intuitive psychic and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
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